Saturday, July 31, 2010

To Be Determined

I can't control the shaking urge the anger causes in me. A live wire of impulses vying for control of my mind. Do I have the sanity left to resist? Do I want to? The demonic temptations lure me into their warm embrace and I sink back into a momentary bliss. I can't fight this even if I wanted to. There's no cure for what I am, not that I've been looking, but to fix what's wrong with me would be to alter my entire state of being, something I'm not willing to let happen. Many have used drugs and found light in their haze. I'm afraid I would find something else, something infinitely worse than what's living inside me -- endless boredom.

The world isn't the bright fantasy land most make it out to be. People love to delude themselves with happiness that is more fictional than any story ever written. Look on the bright side they say or Don't be such a negative person. How is being honest about who I am negativity? Maybe their criticism of me is proof that the world is an intolerant bag of wind, too fragile to let so sharp a mind into their midst. Maybe. Or maybe they don't deserve to live. Oh what a wonderful fantasy I can have of my own. For every negative thought I have, there's a corpse dangling at the other end.

Reading this, most will be horrified to know what lurks just at the surface of my conscience mind. They'll say I need help or to be locked away for life. Why? For vocalizing my truth? Aren't we always taught not to lie? Why does society always say one thing, but do another? Isn't hypocrisy the worst form of lie?

In this world of make believe, where do I fit in? Others like me are impulsive in their actions and get caught. Me, I put my ideas into stories to vent the frustration and anger into a useful channel. If most of the stories we're told from childhood are violent and disturbing, why do we shun those very people who embrace that lifestyle? Anything different from society's norm is deemed dangerous and set in a queue to be destroyed at the next possible convenience.

As I sit here, having gone w/o sleep for the last few days due to the anger tightening my leg muscles and keeping me awake, I thought I could feel somewhat relieved at having put this into words. Usually, I feel better afterward, but not tonight. Tonight, this writing served as a nail file scratching at a brick wall. Oh, I'm sure there's some damage, but not enough to take notice. Tonight I am filled with an inner rage that I usually allow to fester inside me like a cauldron of boiling emotions. After I write, the cauldron simmers, but tonight it merely laughs.

Do you know what it's like to be laughed at for being different, to be shunned because people don't understand you? To be looked through as if you don't exist? A ghost in society free to walk wherever I want, I watch this self-gratified world bloat itself on greed and feed its ego with platitudes of self-inflicted greatness. They see me staring and something primitive inside them tells them to move away, to stop looking for fear of having their souls stolen with just my sight. As if I had that kind of super power. I study them, watching their social interactions, mirroring myself as best I can with their actions. No, I'm not like them, even when I try to be...and they can tell.

Put yourself in my shoes for a moment. Think of the many faces you interact with on a daily basis. Know them, their lives, their interests, their fears. Embrace them for being human and bond with them like your species tells you to do. I'm not from this race of being. I don't know what lies beneath my mask other than it scares most humans. I'm afraid to take it off for fear of losing control of what writhes inside. Maybe the world deserves to see my true form.

No, this did not make me feel better to write about. I feel sad and alone, angry and anxious. I can't find the time or the energy to write the way I should, the way I'm capable of doing. Instead, I let the feelings build up inside me and internalize the world. I know that if I had the energy to do what I should be doing that it wouldn't end the way the normals would expect. Sad, for all their connectedness to each other, they never connect with me. They ignore me, as I've said, often looking at me, but not seeing me.

Will they even know when I'm gone?

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Jesus the Time Traveler

While researching for something I'm working on, I came across a message board where people were discussing Jesus and what not. The following is a mixture of those ideas and my own. Tell me this doesn't blow your mind.

Jesus was a time traveler sent back in time to warn of the dangers of living the way people were. Because they wouldn't understand the science behind time travel, he used what they would know: religion. When his science looked to them like magic, they were afraid.

Much like we would today if someone came here claiming to either be the son of god or a traveler from the future, they ridiculed him, tortured and questioned him, and, finally, killed him.

The reason his body wasn't discovered was b/c he was pulled back to the future.

Now, many of you who are religious in this venue will initially scoff and laugh, but stop, step back from your personal beliefs, and think about this objectively.

It explains everything. The rest, like all good storytelling, became embellished for entertainment and lesson teaching.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Poetry Sings

Please allow Jasper this guilty pleasure. Was a song maker from way back when and like to dabble now and then. Been awhile since I have and there's not much in the way of revision happening here. Just a few thoughts would be kind of you.



LONG RIDE NOWHERE


Saw a girl by the bus stop the other day
Averted eyes of a teenaged runaway.
Wanted to tell her things would be all right.
But then the doors closed and we rolled out of sight.

What is it like to feel like no one cares?
To be all alone while everyone stares.
Can you tell me the way to the light
Cause I don't think I'll make it home tonight.

A nervous boy kept tapping his foot
Looking around like the guilty could.
Wonder where he comes from and what he left behind.
Wonder where he's going and if he'll get there in time.

What is it like to feel like no one cares?
To be all alone while everyone stares.
Can you fix everything that is wrong?
Why does this journey feel so long?

Middle aged couple fighting non-stop
Dangling baby she's about to drop.
He doesn't notice and continues to yell.
Wonder what it's like when we get to Hell.

What is it like to feel like no one cares?
To be all alone while everyone stares.
Can you see me through all of your pain?
Or am I blurred through the tears of your shame?

I sit in the back wondering if they care
Do they even notice that i'm sitting right here?
Am i the ghost haunting everyone
Or am I the only one having no fun?

What is it like to feel like no one cares?
To be all alone while everyone stares.
Do you remember the good times you had?
Am I the only one who's always been mad?

What is it like to feel like no one cares?
To be all alone while everyone stares.
What lies in wait at the end of this ride?
Why should I care when I've already died?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Been Awhile, But Jasper's Back

Dear Wayward Traveler,

The stars called and I sailed forward, but I've kept an account of my notes for your education into the mystery called life. I hope you haven't given up on me due to my lengthy absence, but life is a tricky bitch filled with many a complication.

Let me explain...

I witnessed a galaxy give birth. It wasn't as messy as most would have you think, but it did give a whole new meaning to the Big Bang Theory. I gathered with the other spectators, popcorn in hand (a vice of mine), and witnessed what could only be described as a miracle. Like a jar of marbles spilling out of nowhere, the darkness let loose a thunderous sound and shot forth thousands of planets and suns. Well, they will be when they mature. For now, they're rocketing into the great unknown to find their place.

Why do I tell you this?

Because we're all looking for that miracle to explain things and we get frustrated when we don't find it. Many people turn to religion and they find happiness in these teachings. The problem is that they then push these beliefs onto others. What they found working for them must, according to their backwater logic, work for everyone not illuminated enough to discover this already.

Religion. The Achilles' heel of mankind. The tragic flaw that will bring civilization to its knees. While on their knees, will mankind beg forgiveness or wear out the knees of its collective jeans in supplication to the god they think stands before them? Is it vanity or ego that drives a species to desire the love of a creator? What if their god loves dogs more than humans? Would they accept this defeat in the hierarchy or wave it off as nonsense?

Who are we to know the mind of their god?

Good question. If we, as mortals, can not fathom the mindset of a deity, then who are these humans who claim to speak for him? God wrote these laws on tablets and then revised them into a leather bound book. In his infinite wisdom, he placed his thoughts on parchment that only a handful could see? Why not send out a collective thought to tell everyone what's going on? A Deity Bulletin -- "Today, I'm thinking we all donate to charity."

Why not?

Because of human greed. Yes, people need to feel special and connected to a higher power. One sheep separates himself from the flock, takes a few classes, and promotes himself as channeler to the heavens. Like any schmuck from backwater Iowa couldn't do the same. These people aren't special and they have no knowledge that can't be found on the internet. And they make laws and rules bound by their simplistic human egos.

Case in point.

California just banned gay marriage. Again. Supporters of this claim that it's "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Fine, but what happened to Lillith? Yes, Adam's first wife, the one who, because she wasn't his type, got revised out of the bible. Revised? Doesn't this challenge god's perfection? Of course. How? By showing that mankind is flawed in its logic.

Once again humans are pushing their belief system onto others. Because most people aren't gay, they feel no one should be. Well, most people aren't black or Jewish either. Should we get rid of them? Most people don't have lactose intolerance. Should we banish those who can't digest dairy? If a loud mouth group of people don't like chocolate ice cream, should we allow them to banish that because it's not vanilla?

Big Brother is watching. And he's not happy. This is the same infallible logic that claims when some moron jumps into a zoo environment, gets attacked by the territorial animal, the animal should be put to sleep.

Why can't stupid people be put to sleep?

Who decides, you say? I do. What makes me qualified to determine stupidity? I have a channel to a higher power. Prove it? Look around you. Do you see a lot of people doing stupid things? Yes? Then i'm right. Prove I have the connection to something larger than me that i refuse to accept is your flawed god? Ok. Take this simple test.

1. You believe in your god created life on this planet with a snap of his fingers (or a giant fart) and then went on sabbatical for thousands of years. What if I said there's a giant teapot floating around the heavens that pours life onto planets? It's invisible, so you can't see it, but you have to believe it's there on faith. Would you accept this?

2. If the answer to question one is "no", then you're stupid.

See how easy this is? Look, bottom line is people use religion to shelter their hatred. They used it in the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, 9-11, etc. They used their fear of others to round of Japanese-Americans, lynch African-Americans, keep the woman down, and now their new target is gays.

Republicans blame democrats. Democrats blame republicans. Blah blah blah. The cycle of finger pointing continues. Nobody looks in the mirror and says, "Yes, I hate other people just because they're different." If they do, they probably are straightening their bed sheet so the eye holes are perfectly aligned.

Join me in forming a new party, one that accepts people for who they are no matter race, religion, or creed. Join me in taking back this country from those who have desecrated it's values and raped its ideals.

Join me in forming the American Party.

JvP

Sunday, January 4, 2009

A Bump in the Road

It was bound to happen. No journey can go on forever without finding itself run up against a conflict. Ours is no different. Call it what you will -- night, darkness -- but it's the time when shadows play.

We can push on into the inky blackness and hope nothing bothers us, but we all know that's unrealistic. Venture into an unknown place and you're guaranteed to find something or someone minding not only their own business, but yours as well. Maybe we'll go unharmed, but more than likely we pay a steep fine -- and i'm not talking money or jewelry.

Our other option is to hole up in a cave and wait it out like our ancestors before us. Again, it's a place of mystery with anything lurking behind us. What if what we see is only the opening to something much larger? That could lead us on an unexpected journey into a place we never would have found otherwise. Or it could lead us to Hell. It could also be home to a vast number of creatures big or small, tame or wild. Pleasant or dangerous. Do you want to take the chance of becoming something's late night snack?

So what'll it be, folks? Do we delve deeper into the darkness and hope for the best? Tackle the challenges head on and discover our true nature?

Or do we hide out in a shelter where we may or may not be the only seeking refuge there? That maybe there's more to this so called sanctuary than we at first thought.

What'll it be? The lady or the tiger?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Rambling On

Travel with me down this forgotten road that leads us a few paces back the way we came. Now, I understand they tell us we can't ever go back again, but I'm asking that you forget their words and overcome the type of thinking that disallows a few remembrances.

Why is it the people we once familiarized with in the learning days of life turn out to have more in common with us the older we get? Is it that we're wiser in our post-school days or is it something more?

Take for example the many people I went to high school with who I never would have considered connecting with back in the day. What loner does look to connect with other folk? But let's forget that for now and move forward to the modern times where all these people are placing themselves out there on this internet to be connected with. Now, for what reasons are they doing this?

Could it be they have a yearning for the past? Have we gone so far forward that we're now looking for a new way back? Most people disliked their schooling days to the point of separating from those who they knew for a lifetime. Then these reunions arise and folks return in numbers to update others on their own lifestyles. But with this internet site, do we still need to reunite in real life?

That's not my point. My point is why don't we take the time to know folks the day we meet them instead of finding out years on that we have many things in common? Life is way too short to "what if" our way through it, but that seems to be the well traveled road. Sorry, Mr. Frost for ruining your moment of fame.

Or do most people age into the same interest groups? What we liked as kids may have been different, but now we're into the same things. All roads lead to Rome mentality?

I'm asking a lot of questions and not providing many answers. I get that. Surely I do. Maybe because I don't have all the answers. Maybe I'm asking for your help on this.

Let me know what you find. Until next time...

JvP

Sunday, December 21, 2008

It's Time

Fear not, faithful readers, all of a handful of you. The time to continue our journey has finally arrived. I may be but a humble servant in all this, but I assure you, there is no better guide.

I marvel at the wonders of Christmas and the hypocrisy of the holidays. Oh, ye faithful, don't see this as a blatant attack on a fictional superstition, but more of a necessary finger pointing at the evils of humanity.

Humans call greed one of the many sins littering the bottom of the righteous toy box, but wallow in the juices throughout the seasons. Whether it's the door-to-door knocking of little ghouls demanding candy (picture their faces when they see a true trick instead) or the gluttenous suppings of a Thanksgiving day massacre (for what else is it to the turkeys but a slaughter?).

Which brings me to a festival of lights. No, Hannukah is not the only festival out there that celebrates lighting up the world. Christmas has become a symbolic torching of the night skies. It starts with little multi-colored bulbs plaguing the landscape for all to see. What bird or bug wouldn't be drawn to such brilliance? But I dally at such minor things.

Rudolph with his coked out nose so red guides a sleigh full of whipped lesser known reindeer through the frosty skies while a fat man with a reddish tint to his jolly face kicks back another pint over another midwestern town. The myth behind the man is legendary, but good old Saint Nick used to be a horror story, if you check your facts and dig deep enough. I dare you.

Now Christmas itself is meant to celebrate the birthday of a holy man who really was born in June (or spring if you ask the wrong people). June birthdays celebrated in December? Could this be why Christmas seems to stretch so long throughout the year from when decorations go up to when they come down? Confusion? Or is it something more?

Back in the times before time was clearly kept, the pagans held a ritual on December 25th. Now, Christians being as open-minded and accomodating people as they are, couldn't let this happen. They terrorized and confiscated this sacred holy day for their own. "Go ahead and celebrate your pagan nonsense," they would say, "We know you're really celebrating the birth of our son of god."

Before you wave me off as a nonsensical spouter of filth and waste, i ask of you to step back from your comfortable shoes and try on those of the people long deceased. Put your brains into their heads and seriously ask yourself how you would feel to have your holy days overthrown. Why can't we all get along indeed!

I say enjoy the winter for its wonderland of frosty snowmen and that little bugger Jack attacking your nose, enjoy the days off from work and school and sanity, but don't let yourself fall victim to the massive brainwashing that took place centuries ago. Be aware that there is but one birthday notably worth celebrating during this end of the year time. He's a dear friend of mine...Goes by the name....

Jamie Sunshine

Be warm, be healthy, be happy. Be safe, be careful, and be warned. Not everything is as it seems.

Until next time....

JvP